Following a week in which:
– Moise Kean scored AGAIN.
– Lionel Messi scored a free kick AGAIN.
– Mohamed Salah failed to score AGAIN.
– Paco Alcacer scored a 90th minute winner for Borussia Dortmund AGAIN.
Using the filmography of Milo
15) Atalanta (Re-Entry)
“They look nice but they don’t look real.” (The People vs. Larry Flint)
Italy’s in-form team continued their incredible run of results this past week with yet another win – this time over the resurgent Bologna.
Atalanta are now within one point of the UEFA Champions League qualification berths, but don’t hold your breath on them actually finishing fourth this season, as they still have to face Inter, Napoli and, yeah, you guessed it, Juventus.
Good luck – you need it!
14) RB Leipzig (New Entry)
“I got money, which gives me the power to shake up the system.” (The People vs. Larry Flint)
Well it’s about goddamn time.
For the first time this season RB Leipzig are in 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings.
So first things first: well done guys.
Third in the Bundesliga after a thumping 5-0 win over Hertha Berlin (who are no pushovers), and through to the DFB-Pokal semi finals after an impressive win over Augsburg, RB Leipzig – no matter how much the rest of Germany hates them – aren’t here to take part, they’re here to takeover and shake up the system.
13) Real Madrid (Down 1)
“I turned the whole world into a tabloid.” (The People vs. Larry Flint)
?Real Madrid Eye Move for [insert player name here].
You’ve read the aforementioned a MILLION TIMES since Zinedine Zidane returned to Real Madrid last month.
And after this week’s disastrous defeat at the hands of Valencia, it’s fair to say that what Los Blancos probably need is every single player they’ve been linked with.
Kylian Mbappe, Neymar, David de Gea, Milan Skriniar, Kalidou Koulibaly, N’Golo Kante, Miralem Pjanic, Paul Pogba, Eden Hazard.
You name him; they probably need him.
12) Eintracht Frankfurt (New Entry)
“I will speak for you, Father. I speak for all mediocrities in the world. I am their champion. I am their patron saint.” (Amadeus)
Eintracht Frankfurt’s last seven games:
Hannover 96 0-3 Eintracht Frankfurt
Eintracht Frankfurt 3-2 Hoffenheim
Eintracht Frankfurt 0-0 Inter
Fortuna Dusseldorf 0-3 Eintracht Frankfurt
Inter 0-1 Eintracht Frankfurt
Eintracht Frankfurt 1-0 Nurnberg
Eintracht Frankfurt 3-0 VfB Stuttgart
Led by a Benfica loanee, a Hamburger SV loanee (and MASSIVE flop), a Paris Saint-Germain loanee (and MASSIVE outcast), a £1m signing from FC Utrecht and a Chievo Verona flop, Eintracht are – somehow – one of the best teams in Germany at the moment, and on track to qualify for the UEFA Champions League.
11) Tottenham Hotspur (Down 3)
“What are you doin’ here? You oughta be out in a convertible bird-doggin’ chicks and bangin’ beaver.” (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest)
Once upon a time, ?Tottenham Hotspur were genuine title contenders. Five points off top spot with a game in hand at the start of February, Spurs looked on course for their most successful Premier League season to date.
Now, at the start of April, things are a little different. After picking up four measly points out of an available 18 the Lilywhites find themselves in a dogfight for a mere place in the top four.
An odd season for a club proverbially on the brink of doing something truly special.
10) Bayern Munich (Down 3)
“What you have done here has set our race back a distance I can’t measure.” (Ragtime)
A 1-1 draw with SC Freiburg is never a good result for anyone; I’d be disappointed if Derry City drew 1-1 with Freiburg. But last weekend’s stalemate at the Schwardzwald-Stadion was more than a mere poor result for ?Bayern.
It. Was. A. Complete Disaster.
Now two points adrift of Borussia Dortmund in the BuLi table, it’s clear that this weekend’s meeting with the aforementioned is a do or die encounter for Niko Kovac’s men.
9) Paris Saint-Germain (Up 4)
“It is miraculous!” (Amadeus)
Here’s what Kylian Mbappe’s been up to in France recently:
Saint-Etienne vs. Paris Saint-Germain – Kylian Mbappe scored.
Paris Saint-Germain vs. Montpellier – Kylian Mbappe scored.
Paris Saint-Germain vs. Nimes – Kylian Mbappe scored two.
Caen vs. Paris Saint-Germain – Kylian Mbappe scored two.
Dijon vs. Paris Saint-Germain – Kylian Mbappe scored.
Paris Saint-Germain vs. Marseille – Kylian Mbappe scored.
Toulouse vs Paris Saint-Germain – Kylian Mbappe scored.
Paris Saint-Germain vs. Nantes – Kylian Mbappe scored.
A record breaking, goal scoring, history making, natural born world shaker.
8) Inter (Up 1)
“Why do I have to go to jail to protect your freedom?” (The People vs. Larry Flint)
The Cold War is over. The ice has thawed. The INF Treaty has been signed. The Berlin Wall has been torn down. The Soviet republics have declared independence.
Oh, and Mauro Icardi is back in the ?Inter team.
Oh, and he’s scoring goals for Inter again.
Oh, and Inter are winning again.
And it’s all thanks to the INF Treaty…
7) Arsenal (Up 4)
“Here I come to save the day.” (Man on the Moon)
Here’s a nice wee stat for all you ?Arsenal fans to enjoy:
Arsenal have accumulated 63 points so far this season – the same amount they accumulated during the entirety of their 2017/18 Premier League campaign.
Unai Emery is at the Emirates Stadium, and he’s saving the day.
6) Ajax (-)
Ajax are currently better than they have a justifiable right to be; their win over PSV Eindhoven reinstated this fact.
Despite being down to ten men,
Ajax are really, really, really good.
5) Juventus (Down 1)
“Koufax is in big f**king trouble! Big trouble, baby! All right. Tresh is the next batter. Tresh looks in. Koufax…Koufax gets a sign from Roseboro. He kicks once. He pumps. He fires. It’s a strike! Koufax’s curve ball is snapping off like a fucking firecracker! All right, here he comes with the next pitch. Tresh swings. It’s a long fly ball to deep left centre!
4) Barcelona (Down 2)
“On the page it looked nothing. The beginning simple, almost comic. Just a pulse. Bassoons and basset horns, like a rusty squeezebox. And then suddenly, high above it, an oboe. A single note, hanging there, unwavering. Until a clarinet took over and sweetened it into a phrase of such delight! This was no composition by a performing monkey! This was a music I’d never heard. Filled with such longing, such unfulfillable longing, it had me trembling. It seemed to me that I was hearing the voice of God.” (Amadeus)
Lionel Messi might be the greatest footballer of all time.
Well maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but this past week he did prove why so many consider him to be the GOAT (horrible acronym I know).
With another free kick, Messi continued his astonishing goalscoring form in La Liga.
It’s just a pity he’s never scored a goal in World Cup knockout round game, eh?
3) Liverpool (-)
“The best thing we can do is go on with our daily routine.” (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest)
One thing is becoming painfully apparent for ?Liverpool fans as the weeks pass:
Manchester City don’t look capable of losing a game. Ever.
So at this point all Liverpool can really do is say a few decades of the rosary, hope City slip up, and keep winning games.
2) Borussia Dortmund (Up 3)
“Koufax looks down! He’s looking at the great Mickey Mantle now! Here comes the pitch! Mantle swings! It’s a f**king home run!” (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest)
We’ve told you a million times this season that ?Borussia Dortmund are box office.
We’ve told you a million times this season to watch Borussia Dortmund.
And if you listened to us, you were rewarded massively last weekend, as Paco Alcacer popped up with an added time brace to seal a crucial win over VfL Wolfsburg.
1) Manchester City (-)
“I’m a goddamn marvel of modern science.” (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest)
Goals Scored: 37
Goals Against: 7
Goals Difference: 30
?Manchester City have clearly been built in a laboratory by a mad scientist named Pep Guardiola, with one programmed function: to win.
It’s the only explanation for how good they are.