This week was all about dynasties, new and old, rising and falling.
– The oldest of European dynasties Juventus DOWNED Antonio Conte’s intrepid Inter.
– Brighton RIP’d Mauricio Pochettino’s stint at Spurs.
– Steve Bruce DESTROYED Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.
– Hoffenheim HOOVERED up Bayern.
– Barcelona won, Real Madrid won and Atletico Madrid…DREW.
With all this tumult at the top in the fight for the European throne, there’s only one TV show that can help us today, and that would be ‘Succession‘, aka the best show since ‘Mad Men‘, probably.
And, ahead of next week’s much-anticipated finale, it’s Season Two. Cause, you know, ‘Grexit’, ‘boar on the floor’, and ‘We Here For You’.
15. Jack Grealish (New Entry)
“I need to sever my links. Negotiate a bit of a Grexit.”
Jack Grealish is no stranger to a bit of a Grexit. He’s done it to Ireland, and he’s appeared destined to on numerous occasions do it to Aston Villa, before he became the club’s captain, talisman and kit man’s arch-nemesis – you know, the dilapidated boots.
But now, in the midst of yet another purple patch, and ahead of next year’s Euros, perhaps a January Grexit could be in order? God knows he could do a job at most places – yes, including Westminster.
14. Gonzalo Higuain (New Entry)
“Uncle Fun or Grandpa Grumps?”
For both the duration of his stint at Chelsea, and one notable training session with Juventus, Gonzalo Higuain has been Grandpa Grumps.
But after scoring the winner against Inter in the Derby d’Italia? Higgy is Uncle Fun once again!
Don’t worry, Uncle Fun isn’t as creepy as he sounds. He’s no Uncle Mo. Probably.
13. Eden Hazard (New Entry)
“Hey, this is where the party is at. Look at us, all the cool and beautiful people in one spot.”
So Eden Hazard
12. Willian (New Entry)
“You don’t really hear much about syphilis these days. Very much the MySpace of STDs.”
You don’t really hear much positive stuff about Willian these days. Very much the Facebook of Chelsea players.
Tammy Abraham, Mason Mount and Fikayo Tomori have been Tik Toking their way to the top, and they’ve received all that sweet, sweet engagement. But spare a thought for the Brazilian, who’s always been unfairly maligned at Stamford Bridge, and backed up his wonderful goal against Lille with a masterful piece of orchestration at Southampton.
11. Aaron Connolly (New Entry)
“Bring me franchisable IP.”
Before Saturday’s game with Spurs, Aaron Connolly was a nobody. A nobody! Logan Roy would’ve slapped him up, gobbled him whole then spat him out.
But now? After that brilliant brace? Aaron Connolly is a household name. Aaron Connolly is franchisable IP. Aaron Connoly’s life story is about to be bought by Disn—I mean Waystar Royco.
Aaron Connoly is about to be the first Irish superhero since Shamrock.
10. Karim Benzema (Re-Entry)
“These trust fund YouTube sh*ts.”
In this gilded age of – yes – trust fund YouTube sh*ts, Karim Benzema is a rare breed. He is not the kind of player to be distracted by such low-grade highlights reels. But, in his own way, he has built up quite the portfolio in recent years, perhaps none more impressive than this season.
He’s the only consistent performer Zinedine Zidane’s got at the minute.
9. Paulo Dybala (Up 4)
“Bill. The best boss that ever lived. It’s like Mandela f*cked Santa and gave birth to Bill.”
A few months ago, Paulo Dybala looked to be on the ropes at Juventus, and Maurizio Sarri seemed to be one of the architects behind this.
But now the two are best buds, and the Argentine’s scoring world-class goals in the biggest games of the season, before giving post-match quotes like the above… or at least trying to, while creepy Cristiano Ronaldo does creepy things to try and put him off.
8. Sargis Adamyan (New Entry)
“If this place was in Brooklyn it’d be worth five mil, easy.”
Sargis Adamyan is the man behind Bayern Munich’s unlikely dismantling at the hands of Hoffenheim.
If Adamyan was English, and not Armenian (Armenia: very much the Dundee – where the house referenced in this quote is situated – of Asia) he’d be worth £50m, EASY. Jadon Sancho WHO?!
7. Tammy Abraham (Re-Entry)
“The next Zuckerf*cker comes along and swallows you whole. Sh*ts you out as an app.”
Tammy Abraham – England’s Tammy Abraham, I should say – is the joint second-highest scorer across Europe’s Top Five leagues in 2019/20. Tammy Abraham is legit. For real.
That finish at St Mary’s? Serious.
Poor Olivier Giroud. He’s been Zuckerf*cked.
6. Adama Traore (New Entry)
“Here I am, I’m moving. I’m moving. I’m moving. Brisk movement. Brisk movement.”
This mantra has been Adama Traore’s M.O. for a long time. But no longer. Sure, both goals against City required some brisk movement, but more than that, they required crisp finishing.
And he showed it in swathes at the Etihad.
5. Lionel Messi (New Entry)
“No, no, no. No, no, no. F*ck off.”
Lionel Messi is back. Lionel Messi is back. Lionel Messi is back.
The Messiah is alive and well, and he’s earned a call up to these here prestigious Power Rankings for the first time. The entirety of La Liga is quaking in their boots.
As for Sevilla? Well, they shat the bed, Kendall style.
4. Neymar (Up 3)
“Then he wanted me to tell you that obviously our public line will be that we’re considering the offer but it doesn’t matter what you offer. He will never recommend this to the board. You’re gonna bleed cash and he’s gonna bleed cash. It will never end. And maybe you’ll kill him but if you don’t he will aim to kill you. He will go bankrupt or go to jail before he lets you beat him. He will beat you in the business and if that doesn’t work he will send people around. He will send men to kill your pets and f*ck your wives and it will never be over.”
So, Neymar’s still at Paris Saint-Germain. Probably the right call in the end.
3. Robert Lewandowski (Down 2)
“The evidence does not want to be destroyed.”
Here’s three-time European Player Power Rankings Champion Robert Lewandowski drowning his sorrows after coming in at third this week.
But don’t despair, Lewan. All the prior evidence about your form will not be destroyed because of one result. We Will Remember Them [the goals and skills and stuff].
2. Sadio Mane (Re-Entry)
“Now it’s time for me to habeas the corpus.”
Cesc Fabregas recently called Sadio Mane one of the top three players in the world. Here at EPPR HQ, we see Cesc’s top three, and raise it to top two (though we reserve the right to completely eliminate him from next week’s rankings should we feel like it).
Mane is a world-beater in a team of Europe-beaters. And they now look set to beat the rest of England, too. They just need to habeas the corpus, if you know what I mean?
1. Luis Suarez (Up 11)
“L to the motherf*cking OG.”
L to the UIS
Dude be the OG
Ay, and he playin’
Playin’ like a pro
L to the UIS
Dude be the OG
Ay, and he playin’
Playin’ like a pro
A1 FIFA ratings, 80k wine,
Never gonna stop baby, f*ck Father Time!
L to the motherf*cking UIS.
For, in the past week or so, Luis has scored three of the best goals of his career, and that’s no joke. He may be just as reviled as he is revered, but he’s a true great, and this week’s showings have been a timely reminder.
And, yes, he may be entering into the ‘OG’ phase of his career, but he can he still hit a motherf*cking bicycle kick, and don’t you forget it.
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