90min’s Definitive European Player Power Rankings: Week 22 – Curb Your Enthusiasm Special

Another week, another steamin’ hot batch of excitement for us to rank. 

You know how this works. We take 15 in-form players from across Europe and we rank them, but only with the help of a great TV show. This week, it’s a Curb Your Enthusiasm special!

Does that sounds good? Does that sound pretty, pretty, pretty good?

15. Steven Berghuis (New Entry)

Steven Berghuis

“You know what? Never mind, alright? I’ll take my liver out! I’ll walk around with a dialysis machine hanging out of me for the rest of my life, no problem!”

Berghuis is the kind of guy who’d give you a liver if you asked for it. The Feyenoord man is just dishing out assists for fun these days, racking up four in his last four games.

He even added two goals last time out against PEC Zwolle, so life’s pretty good for him right now.

14. Thomas Müller (New Entry)

Thomas Mueller

“I’m not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.”

Some people run from challenges. ?Müller does not.

It’s not that long ago that his Bayern Munich career was supposed to be over, but now he’s got nine goals and a whopping 17 assists in all competitions this season.

Two assists in a 4-1 win over Köln? Yes please.

13. Josip Ili?i? (Down 2)

Josip Ilicic

“?Okay Larry, you don’t want the tour? Get the f*** out of my house.”

Ili?i? only played his way into the power rankings a few weeks ago, but ever since then, he’s failed to boost his stats. He’s playing well for Atalanta, but come on man. We want goals.

12. Son Heung-min (Re-Entry)

Son Heung-Min

?“It’s people like you that are the problem.”

“No, I’m the solution! I’m the solution to the problem!”

?Son is the solution to every one of ?Tottenham’s problems. He bagged a late, late winner against ?Aston Villa, and even played through what could be a season-ending arm fracture. What a man.

Unfortunately, it might be the last time we see him in these rankings this year. 

Cheers, Son’s crying. Nice one.

11. Timo Werner (Down 2)

Timo Werner


“Hey, Mind Your Own Business. How About That?”

Can we go back to 2019? Back to a happier time when Werner was actually scoring goals?

He has scored in one of his six games this year, and that was the first game back after the winter break! Send help.

10. Alexander Sörloth (Up 2)

Turkish Spor Toto Super Lig"Trabzonspor AS v Besiktas AS"

“This project demands I get back to my base.”

I bet Crystal Palace bet they could bring Sörloth back to his base this year. 

While the Eagles are flailing in front of goal, the Norwegian took his tally for the year to 22 in all competitions with another goal this week.

9. Romelu Lukaku (Down 3)

Romelu Lukaku

“You know what? There’s a jet stream of bulls**t coming out of your mouth my friend, you are busted buddy!”

Being the self-proclaimed king hasn’t gone too well for ?Lukaku. After chatting a big game, he has fluffed his lines.

Defeats to both ?Napoli and Lazio have weakened ?Inter’s chances of domestic success this season. But hey, he’ll always have the Milan derby to remember.

8. Erling Haaland (Up 2)

Erling Braut Haaland

“Can I tell you something about apricots? One in 30 is a good one. It’s such a low percentage fruit.”

There’s a one in 30 chance that Haaland isn’t going to score.

After drawing a blank last week, the Borussia Dortmund man found his shooting boots once more against Frankfurt. Now just the eight goals from five appearances. Decent.

7. Carlos Vinícius (Down 3)

Carlos Vinicius

“Don’t put that pie down! Do not put that pie down!”

Vinícius doesn’t want pie, and he doesn’t want goals either apparently.

He drew a blank last time out against Braga, when Benfica fell to their second consecutive loss. Not ideal.

6. Robert Lewandowski (Up 2)

Robert Lewandowski

?“So, how’s your marriage?”

“What the hell? Why would you ask me that?”

“I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.”

Like Larry David, Lewandowski elevated his level last time out by getting back where he belongs – on the score sheet.

Bayern are back to winning ways as they sit pretty at the top of the ?Bundesliga.

5. Ciro Immobile (Up 5)

Ciro Immobile

“When you’re not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.”

Unlike the rest of his ?Serie A tile rivals, Ciro Immobile did not have to worry about the Coppa Italia semi-final. Instead, he was solely focused on beating Inter.

Of all his 29 goals this year, his penalty against Inter may be the most important so far. The title race is on.

4. Kylian Mbappé (Up 1)

Kylian Mbappe

“What’s the level of anger here? What am I dealing with?”

“Well, I’d have to say at least an 8.7.”

“8.7? That’s not that bad. I thought it would be at least a 9.”

“It was a 9. Then you broke that lamp, and the crazy woman screamed at you, and it got you some pity points.

“Pity points. That’s fabulous, I love pity points. But how can I get to a 7? I know a 6 is out of the question, but is there any way I can get to a 7?”

No, that’s not a conversation between ?Mbappé and divisive manager Thomas Tuchel, but it might as well be.

Away from the drama, Mbappé managed a goal and two assists in a cup victory over Dijon, but he was rested for the dramatic 4-4 draw with Amiens.

3. Lionel Messi (-)

Lionel Messi

“You don’t work. You’re unemployed.”

“Loving you is my job, Larry.”

?Messi might not be scoring, but that doesn’t mean he’s not hard at work.

His longest dry streak in the league in over six years has coincided with a run of six assists in his last three games, so it’s not all bad.

2. Cristiano Ronaldo (Down 1)

Cristiano Ronaldo

“Why didn’t you say ‘hello’ to him? You know him.”

“He wanted to do a ‘stop and chat,’ I didn’t want to do a ‘stop and chat’.”

It seems a bit harsh to drop ?Ronaldo down one place even after he scored in the Coppa Italia semi-final, but we wanted the Serie A record!

He was ‘rested’ for the 2-0 win over Brescia, so his run of scoring in consecutive games just stopped. Even if he does come back to score in his next game, his record is going to have an asterisk next to it forever. 

 1. Jadon Sancho (Up 1)


“You god damn right I’m livin’ large! I just had a croissant filled with motherf*****g champagne!”

Life’s pretty good for Sancho these days.

His assist streak might have come to an end, but he chimed in with another goal instead. You’ve got to be happy with that.

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