Ligue 1 is long gone and the Bundesliga season may now be over, but there’s still been plenty of football for us to enjoy this week.
And when there’s football, there’s only one thing to do: rank the top 15 performers across Europe right now.
This week, it’s over to the glamorous Grace and Frankie to give us a hand.
“Have you met me? I avoid all hard conversations. It’s why I carry hard liquor.”
His contract conversation might be a tough one, but one thing which isn’t difficult for Aubameyang is scoring goals.
Two more against Norwich takes his tally for the season to 19. Decent.
“Excuse me, have you ever wondered if Ben and Jerry make more than ice cream together?”
Ben and Jerry make outstanding ice cream and De Bruyne makes outstanding passes on the pitch.
He was unplayable in Manchester City’s 4-0 win over Liverpool, ending with one goal and an assist.
Special shout-out to Phil Foden, who’s playing like a man desperate to get in the power rankings.
“Sol’s probably going to ask you to do an interpretive dance.”
“I don’t think I can. I mean, I could. I mean, I usually see where my body takes me in the moment. Kah! KAH! Kah.”
“Definitely don’t do that.”
Whatever Edin Džeko did over this last week, he should probably try and do the exact opposite next week.
The Roma man drew blanks against both AC Milan and Udinese, and now his side are back in a Europa League battle.
“Your struggle is an inspiration to all of us. Here are your Gucci loafers.”
Havertz spent the majority of Bayer Leverkusen’s 1-0 win over Mainz 05 on the bench, watching on as his slide failed to secure a spot in the Champions League.
If you can hear a ringing, it’s probably Chelsea, Bayern Munich or Real Madrid blowing up Havertz’s phone. Cha-ching.
“Would you mind taking me back home or setting me on fire?”
Someone just pay up and bring Sancho back to England already.
He lost his spot in the Borussia Dortmund side towards the end of the season and managed just 45 minutes as his side were thumped 4-0 by Hoffenheim. Yikes.
“This is not the energy I wanted to start my vision quest with.”
That 4-0 loss wasn’t kind to Haaland, who was forced to remember what it’s like not scoring a bazillion goals in 0.3 nanoseconds.
“I just prefer to have everybody like me.”
Nobody liked Sørloth during his time with Crystal Palace, but everyone at Trabzonspor worships the ground he walks on.
He added yet another goal this week, taking his tally for the season to 28 in all competitions – the same amount as parent club Palace have managed in the league this year.
“I love spinning your bonkers ideas into gold!”
Werner’s decision to snub Bayern last summer was met with ridicule, but now he’s an elite striker and set to pocket close to £300,000-a-week with Chelsea.
“Once you see the real me, you are gonna run for the hills.”
Chelsea tried to make sure fans didn’t see Christian Pulisic as a replacement for Eden Hazard, but that hasn’t really worked out.
I mean, he was forced to carry Chelsea in the 3-2 loss to West Ham as nobody else on the team turned up. Sound familiar?
“I gained another pound today. But I think it’s a pound of knowledge.”
Once ridiculed for his weight, Lukaku is now slimmer and more prolific than ever.
Well, he didn’t score in either of Inter’s two matches this week, but that’s not the point.
“I am young. My joints are supple.”
Like Grace and Frankie themselves, Anthony Martial is living his best life now that he has met Bruno Fernandes.
He might not have found the back of the net against Brighton, but his general performance shows just how good he’s feeling these days.
“Can we wrap this up? I have to do clubbing.”
One goal against Fiorentina. One goal against Torino. Immobile is a man possessed.
He’s still got a bit of work to do if Lazio are to wrap up the Serie A title – Juventus are four points clear – but there’ll be a whole lot of clubbing to do if he can pull it off. Maybe this weekend, seeing as he’s suspended…
“Sweet, muscular Jesus!”
The man looking to spoil Immobile’s party, Ronaldo was busy doing Ronaldo things this week.
One goal and two assists against Lecce was followed up by another goal against Genoa, keeping Juventus on track for a major league-record ninth consecutive title.
“You can’t see me, you can’t stop me.”
Just imagine where Barcelona would be without Messi.
Made to do all the work for the billionth time this year, Messi bagged two assists against Celta Vigo and was involved in both goals against Atlético Madrid, but even that wasn’t enough to keep Barcelona from dropping behind in the title race.
Messi has now either scored or assisted 21 of Barça’s last 25 La Liga goals – a whopping 84%. Anyone else fancy stepping up?
“You know, at my age I only have one speed: breakneck. Of course I don’t call it that. Because it is a very real fear.”
The Bundesliga season is over and Lewandowski is sitting the power ranking throne.
He fired home one last goal against Wolfsburg – his 34th in just 31 games – and still has the DfB-Pokal final to look forward to.
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